I have been thinking, as usual. My mind is often thinking. I am often thinking. I am unsure as to why I think more than I think I do and why I feel the need to separate myself from my mind, because it is after all me. Well residing in my at least, telling me what to do when to breathe. It perhaps enjoys the disconnect from itself and me because it is a form of self protection.

Alas, I am waiting for my prince to come home from work. A half glass of wine later, I am feeling a little relaxed and suddenly spurred to write. It has been some time since I have been putting words to my thoughts. I have been avoiding the issue all together.

So here I am.

Do you want to know more?

After having my heart broken over my career not made of becoming the best dancer in the world. At age 24 I am devastated and lost, mourning over the getting my wisdom teeth pulled and the very pacemaker that keeps me alive. I sometimes wish it wasn’t so. That somehow I would wake up and it was some funky, long lasting nightmare. On the other hand, I am so blessed. I live in one of the best cities in NY and my husband loves me dearly. I have health insurance, which believe me, is very good and I like my mom. What more could I ask?

Besides the dream of becoming a dancer, I have it good.

So what’s the problem.

The problem is....

I am bored. I am a housewife, bored out of my mind. I  have a degree in art but to tell you the truth I haven’t found much fascination with the paintbrush since my last undergraduate course. I have not job. Most days I am too sick to work full time, thus I sit here, cook, clean and do laundry about every two weeks. That is when Adrian starts mentioning his lack of boxers. I take the hint, make a trip to the local laundry mat and stand till my clothes are finished. I still don’t understand why there is no place to sit or no candy machine at least. I chug all the wet clothes to the fifth floor of our brooklyn apartment. 

It is a good life.

It is also lonely.

My great adventure today was getting my teeth clean.

I haven’t did that since high school, it was about time.

Despite my negative ramble, I must devote much of my thoughts to the very existence of life. Why we are here. I often feel God is indifferent. (my toliet now sounds as if it is going to explode. We have had no water all afternoon, these old pipes are well, very old) Oh yes indifferent. My husband and I were watching madmen a while back and the character Don Draper mentioned that the world was indifferent. It seemed such a cynical perspective, cynical, sad but also true. I often feel that things are indifferent, people are indifferent and when the current of years wears on you a while you become indifferent.

The sadness of my hardened heart is much more of a surprise and distaste tha