Twist around and look around. I am shameful not the least to admit this isn’t what I signed up for. Charlie wanted candy he got a pineapple.I wanted a pineapple and got a gluten-free candy bar. It is never what we wanted.

Yet it is good. It as in, what is, the very presence of present time, of adherent knowledge. Comprehend how you wish, but it is the loveliness and the horrible terror of no more please. It, in the end, is bitter and sweet. So the sweetness is ahh so wonderful and the bitter clings at the edges of my skin as I anticipate and hold the sweet dear to my broken heart.

I have been thinking, as usual. My mind is often thinking. I am often thinking. I am unsure as to why I think more than I think I do and why I feel the need to separate myself from my mind, because it is after all me. Well residing in my at least, telling me what to do when to breathe. It perhaps enjoys the disconnect from itself and me because it is a form of self protection.

Alas, I am waiting for my prince to come home from work. A half glass of wine later, I am feeling a little relaxed and suddenly spurred to write. It has been some time since I have been putting words to my thoughts. I have been avoiding the issue all together.

So here I am.

Do you want to know more?

After having my heart broken over my career not made of becoming the best dancer in the world. At age 24 I am devastated and lost, mourning over the getting my wisdom teeth pulled and the very pacemaker that keeps me alive. I sometimes wish it wasn’t so. That somehow I would wake up and it was some funky, long lasting nightmare. On the other hand, I am so blessed. I live in one of the best cities in NY and my husband loves me dearly. I have health insurance, which believe me, is very good and I like my mom. What more could I ask?

Besides the dream of becoming a dancer, I have it good.

So what’s the problem.

The problem is....

I am bored. I am a housewife, bored out of my mind. I  have a degree in art but to tell you the truth I haven’t found much fascination with the paintbrush since my last undergraduate course. I have not job. Most days I am too sick to work full time, thus I sit here, cook, clean and do laundry about every two weeks. That is when Adrian starts mentioning his lack of boxers. I take the hint, make a trip to the local laundry mat and stand till my clothes are finished. I still don’t understand why there is no place to sit or no candy machine at least. I chug all the wet clothes to the fifth floor of our brooklyn apartment. 

It is a good life.

It is also lonely.

My great adventure today was getting my teeth clean.

I haven’t did that since high school, it was about time.

Despite my negative ramble, I must devote much of my thoughts to the very existence of life. Why we are here. I often feel God is indifferent. (my toliet now sounds as if it is going to explode. We have had no water all afternoon, these old pipes are well, very old) Oh yes indifferent. My husband and I were watching madmen a while back and the character Don Draper mentioned that the world was indifferent. It seemed such a cynical perspective, cynical, sad but also true. I often feel that things are indifferent, people are indifferent and when the current of years wears on you a while you become indifferent.

The sadness of my hardened heart is much more of a surprise and distaste tha

amuse me

For a while now, I have been avoiding writing about my “feelings”. I have been wanting to create something beautiful outside of myself, away from the painful events. I have been wanting to escape, however, I have given in. I am unfocused and lost without the words that describe the part of me I don’t like to reveal.

I have been dealing with shaking episodes for a couple months now. The intensity vary but they are consistent. One night I woke up and my brain was shaking, my teeth were chattering and I had no control. It wasn’t a seizure but it was scary. My husband held me in his arms but all I could think was; “my god, my god, I am going crazy”. Since then it hasn’t been as bad but I still have shakiness. I read on pacemaker club about a women with a similar situation as me, she spoke of shaking. She is unable to work also. It’s bizarre but it made me feel better, knowing someone else had those same symptoms...proof I guess, I am not inventing these symptoms after all. When I told my doctor, she replied “are you nervous?”.

Consider this:

The world is full of opportunities, exciting adventures, wonderful tastes, unique smells. I sit on my couch and watch them pass me by. In the past, I would run so fast, I would forget to live. And now, I watch everyone live it.

We are capable of Choice, although our choices do not always change our current situation.

I can choose to be healthy.

Yet my body has a different idea.

So, I am left here.

Watching everyone live life.

Trying to remember what it feels like to feel alive.

Trying to remember how to be alive, without, thinking about IT. The IT, the ticking clock, that changed my life.